Before The Worst
by BabyJane14
Summary: She woke up beside him every morning and for years she'd loved it, part of her doesn't like the idea of it fading. He hadn't wanted to say goodbye before, but, there wasn't anything making them stay any longer


Manda's note: A new and unique one. To be completely honest I'm not sure if I myself know where I'm going with it ;)

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When Dan had gotten married she'd been there. Right by his side in a black and white dress, her hair down to her shoulders in messy curls as she squeezed his hands and handed him the rings. The happiest day in her best friends life of course she'd been there, there was nothing that could have pulled her away. Serena had grown on her over the years. Her jealousy felt like silly child behavior as she looked back on it. How she and Dan would have ever thought to be a couple was amusing. He was her best friend, he knew far too much about her for her liking. Sure, they'd slept together a few times, but when they'd noticed that strange feeling exactly it'd come straight to a halt. You didn't mix friendship with that type of pleasure. It just didn't feel like something magical, it felt like settling. They'd both known it, so when she'd seen him comforting Serena after one of Serena's many fights with numerous guys she'd known at that moment she knew exactly where Dan would be for the rest of his life, the place he should have been. With someone dependent that needed him more than she did. Vanessa wasn't the type to rely on anyone to take care of her. She took care of herself.

When Blair got married a year later she'd been there too. Sitting in the back pew furthest from the bride, holding own husband's hand. Regardless if he claimed that he was fine she knew him better than that. Through the years she'd learned him better then he knew himself. There was only one person in the world that knew him better than she did. The one that let him go, and she was ok comforting him. Being second was something she could settle for. There were times that she forgot she was number two. The days he came home from work early and told her to pack, their flight was in an hour. They were getting out of the city for the weekend. Catching a movie premiere in Pairs or the Netherlands, it'd been often that he done that. She could take his perversities, he was good to her. He was capable of that, not something she'd expected in the very beginning. But, that was what came with waking up with a rock on her hand in Paris one night. They'd had too much to drink and stumbled to an alter. She still couldn't remember it for the life of her.

She could still remember demanding for an annulment. Standing on the balcony and screaming at the top of her lungs. She didn't want to married at twenty- one, she sure as hell didn't want to be married to him. She'd told him she'd rather have killed him. The thought hadn't slipped her mind. But she hadn't done it. He'd said no and for some bizarre reason she'd listened. The diamond set, blue topaz ring he'd set on her left hand stayed in place. She did have to admit, it was a pretty ring. She'd always been a sucker for jewelry, only usually it'd been costume. That was seven years in the past now, twenty eight and she still wore that diamond and topaz ring. The vows around her had also pretty much stuck for the most part.

The silk dress she had on was imported, Nanette Lepore. The icy blue color looked perfect with the tone her skin had taken in the hot sun. Through her eyes it looked more like something Blair had worn in her early years. This was what she'd become though. Wearing expensive clothes and going to expensive parties, and drinking expensive champagne. Somewhere along the line it had become her life. She'd completely lost who she'd been. As she slipped into the navy blue Jimmy Choo heels and fixed the back of them before standing up she glanced at the mirror across from the bed. She hardly recognized the woman in front of her. The long mid back length hair, straightened, the manicured nails, makeup done to perfection, the smell of Chanel no. 5 reeking from her pores, she couldn't help but wonder where it'd all gone. Where she'd gone.

"Mrs. Bass?"

She took one final breath and spun the topaz ring around on her finger before she stood up and clutched the door handle. It was time to face the world again, something she did day after day with hesitance. There was a big part of her that longed to be the person she'd once been. Regardless of the things around her, she'd of given it all up for one thing, gladly given it all up.

"Good morning Rosa"

Addressing the Latino woman in front of her they both smiled. There was a respect there that many on the Upper East Side staff never got to see. She'd tried to break the walls down even further but the staff at the brownstone had refused to allow themselves to call her by her first name. She'd never seen it as respect, but for them apparently it was. That was something she was pretty sure she'd never agree with.

"Mr. Bass wanted to know if you could join him at Masa for dinner."

Biting her tongue to keep back a crude comment on her husband's account she nodded her head and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Things were ok but they weren't great, she'd known it was coming. In a strange way she didn't want it though, she'd in so many ways worked herself into a contentment that she hadn't expected to find.

"Thanks Rosa, I'll tell him myself. He's at the office today right?"

The older woman nodded her head and Vanessa smiled as she ended their conversation and went in search of her pocketbook. The Damier Azur Canvas bag that her fingers came in contact with was the same bag she'd mocked people on the street for back in her teen years. Now it hung from her own shoulder monogrammed and everything. It wasn't exactly the life that she'd planned on, or seen in any of her thoughts. Maybe in her nightmares of course. If she remembered correctly it was exactly the life she'd run away from.

"Mrs. Bass, I'm not sure that's such a good…"

Turning back on her heel she half laughed. Of course, it'd been exactly what she'd been expecting Rosa to say. Just because the 'staff' wasn't supposed to input on anything Rose had always found a way to tell her the truth and be loyal without being intrusive. Besides, she'd already known it was coming, soon as that the papers had rolled out the fact that Carter Baizen had been killed in a boating accident. She wondered how much of an accident it really was.

"Mrs. Baizen needed comforting I'm assuming? Don't worry Rosa, I know the deal by now."

She rolled her eye and shrugged her shoulders. There wasn't anything she could do about it. The rules had always been the way he wanted to play the game. Besides, he held almost full funding on her production company, who else would have put in the anonymous donation of three million dollars when she was first starting out. She might have been able to buy out his investments but there was still a sense of belonging that she now liked to have. Even if it was to someone she'd never expected it to be to. Besides, there was a part of her that wasn't sure she wanted it to end. Was she really ready for their fights to last in permanence? They'd been the only constancies in one another's lives for so long. Letting it go just felt like the end of something big.

"There are flowers on the table for you also, brought this morning"

Wonderful, another few dozen red roses that she hated, that's all he ever seemed to send her. She stepped into the dining room expecting the smell of roses to overwhelm her senses. There was something different, a scent she hadn't smelled in years and when she opened her arms she reached for the wall just to stand. There was no way, yet at the same time there was no mistaking it. Three dozen Dutch Amaryllis with Calla Lilly and lilacs laced into them. The exotic flower bunch wasn't a signature of her husband's yet she'd had the flowers years ago. The last time being under circumstances she didn't quite want to remember.

It was only the ringing of the cell phone in her pocket that tore her out of the daze she was stuck in. shaking her head she looked at the caller ID before pressing talk.

"If you're calling to tell me you're in labor you're going to have to wait a few hours. I have a mission to complete first."

She said in greeting as the voice on the other end laughed before pulling the phone back from her mouth to yell out questions to the children that already existed in the house and could respond to things for themselves. She laughed and shook her head listening to Serena go on and on calling out for names of her four children all six and under. She'd learned how to balance it all just fine.

"Not quite. I was just calling to ask you to threaten your husband that if he ever sends another extra large Dylan's Candy Bar basket I will make it hell when the two of you finally decide to have children."

Serena's voice sounded like she was doing her best not to laugh out loud. The whole statement made her laugh, she and Chuck we're going to have kids. She was twenty-eight years old and she had absolutely no desire to go down that path. She was sure that he didn't have any either. It wasn't as though their marriage was in any condition to be adding children to as it was. That had been one thing she'd pretty much decided for certain when she'd agreed to stay married, there would be no children in either one of their futures.

"I don't… I don't think my husband had any part in buying the candy S."

I silence fell between both the women on the line as if daring one another to speak on the subject first. no one liked to tread the thin ice the topic caused.

"I know, I just, I needed to see if you knew anything."


End file.
